Tips for Fair Fighting in a Relationship

The next time you have a screaming match, make sure it brings you closer. Here's how...

Conflict, confrontation, arguments! When do we ever win them? Why is it so difficult to disagree with others and come out feeling good about it? Often the couples found themselves bickering more and more often a few years into their marriage. Initially, every time they argued, it let to a happy ending - kissing and making out. But gradually they found it didn't work that way. With work pressure leaving little time to relax, the couple ends up in the ugly, acerbic fights over the smallest things. So what's gone wrong with their relationship? As experts would say, nothing much, except they don't know how to fight fair.

You need a fair fight

"Conflict is a normal, inevitable, and even a healthy aspect of most relationships. When managed well, it can be used to enhance and strengthen relationships. An old axiom says, "The dirtiest fighter is the one who refuses to fight at all." Someone who doesn't want to rock the boat, and skirts the issues to avoid conflict, ultimately damages the relationship. Withdrawal from a conflict does not solve the problem. Fighting can actually get us through a conflict to a level of greater intimacy. But fight fairly so that normal disagreements and differences in opinion do not threaten your relationship that you otherwise hold close to your heart.

Your purpose is to find a mutually respectful solution. During a fight, frustations are high, voices are loud, even distorted. Both of you can feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. That's the time to remember you do love one another, that the point of the conflict is to make sure neither of you sabotages your love by putting up with less than what your love deserves. The purpose of a fight is to reconcile your differences and dissolve the distance between you.

Control Your Unconscious

But the question is how to? Does it occur to us that the same unconscious love energy that caused the love attraction to begin with can later turn into anger, rage, jealousy, hate and a gamut of different conflict emotions? One should not allow the unconscious reactions to prevail over the rational self and this applies to both partners. When both are in this state there is a clash that in most cases leads relationships to reach a point of no return. Once you became aware of this unconscious self, then half the battle is won as you can now find a constructive way to resolve the problem at hand - in a mutually satisfying way.

You've got to make it work

What distinguishes relationships that work from those that don't is how the arguing is done. You can learn to fight fair, and actually reduce the negative effects of disagreement while reducing the chances of arguments in the future. Respect and trust are the corner-stones of a strong relationship. When the going is tough, a given in any marriage, the couple should count on the fact that they both truly care for each other and the connection is still there. This really helps in controlling impulsive behaviour and viewing the problem in perspective.

Words do hurt. They can be the life or death of a relationship. Learn to replace hurtful words with words that build and strengthen the relationship. For bank executive Mary, who is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, the key to diffusing any growing pow-wow is to exercise self-control or even go a step ahead and kill it with kindness, a courageous and very generous tactic, though. She says, "Kind words can help the other person calm down which is important if any logical discussion is to take place." Her advice to other couples: "Never say anything you don't mean because bitter words linger on for much longer than the issue."

Fair fighting is always about getting your grievances out in the open, so don't hesitate! It's a way of saying, "I'm completely commited to our relationship and I won't let this problem continue." You're fighting to stay fully alive, to continue to grow and mature with one another. When you both know this, you will know that a fair fight is a godsend - an alarm calling you to put on the fire!

RULES FOR FAIR FIGHTING

Be assertive
It is when you are passive or aggressive that you hae trouble finding a status quo in a fight. If you are aggressive you overturn the other person's right and if you are passive you allow the other person to run over yours.

Establish common ground rules
When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, a solution becomes much more likely.

Mutual respect
Mutual respect for each other can go a long way in drawing boundaries while fighting. If you respect each other you would try not hurting one another.

Be specific
Try addressing the problem instead of targetting the person's sentiments. Handle the issue at hand and don't bring up other issues just to prove a point. It's not a win-lose game, it's about finding a solution.

Don't go to bed angry
Finish the fight. Dragging a fight out is as life-draining as avoiding a fight. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy. Always either kiss and makeup or close on a good note.

Some couples never fight. Want to know their secrets? CLICK HERE

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