Relationship Manipulation - Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Are you being manipulated by your love?

You desperately need a break to do the things you'd like to, but you somehow find yourself pursuing your partner's hobbies week after week. You realise that you're being manipulated by your partner into doing what they like, but don't know how to get out of the situation. How do people do this?

While relationships are all about give-and-take, there are some relationships that are about give-and-give. To be liked and appreciated by their partners is the top priority for some. And if the partner is smart and is also aware that he/she is in a powerful position to give or withhold approval, this constant desire to please can be abused by the partner.

This sort of manipulation does not only happen in long-term relationships, but also in friendships or in workplace relationships. The withholding of approval, especially if someone has been made dependent on that approval, can prove to be a very powerful tool, more so, if the relationship is characterised by power struggles. So how do people manipulate others?

ENSURING DEPENDENCE

If you feel that it is absolutely impossible for you to exist without this person, consider it as a serious warning signal. It's a different story to feel dependent during illness or other bad times but if this person is starting to feel like your heart-lung machine, it's time to get back on your feet. If you're too dependent on someone else, there is almost nothing they cannot make you do.

WITHHOLDING APPROVAL

This, by its very nature, should not be conditional within relationships. We all get angry with partners or friends, and sometimes we don't like them very much, but love should not waver. When someone is using your need for their love and approval to get you to do things, something is wrong.

GUILT TRIPPING

It isn't uncommon to feel guilty about being selfish and wanting to do more for others. It's just the strange way we've been brought up. But it's also important to remember that if we don't look after ourselves, we can do nothing for others. Guilt trips can be recognised by the sentences, "If you loved me you would..." or "After all that I've done for you".

CONTROL MONEY MATTERS

This is the oldest, and by far the worst way of manipulating someone. If you have to literally beg for every penny you wish to spend, especially if it is your own hard earned money, you are being manipulated, and how! Most people who do this have their own monetary benefits in mind and do this under the guise of 'saving' money or ensuring that there's no 'unnecessary' expenditure. They could even insist that the whole salary be handed over to them.

PERSONAL ATTACKS

If you think very little of yourself, because you are constantly being put down both in private and in front of others, you will do almost anything to win the approval of the one who is cutting you down. Once you are in this kind of mind frame you are like a puppet in the hands of the manipulator. If you feel unattractive and unworthy, because constant griping, consider yourself trapped.

Signs of An Abusive Relationship - Signs of Manipulation

1) You constantly find yourself having to do unpleasant tasks

2) You keep on having to foot the bill for the two of you

3) There are frequent cutting comments about your appearance or character

4) You find yourself doing things for them that they would never do for you

5) When you show any resistance, you are made to feel worthless and stupid

6) You are always expected to put your own wishes second

7) A normal discussion is impossible with them as they get aggressive and refuse to discuss the issue at hand

8) You find yourself constantly apologising things that were not your fault

9) You are made to doubt your own observations and opinions, and their validity is downplayed

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A woman's survival guide for relational harm reduction
- By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

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