Emotional Security Can Kill Passion!

Does a woman's libido start to want when she feels sure that she's hooked her soulmate? Is this the main reason for marital discord? Read on to find out...

It is a common complaint for many couples. However amorous they may have been in the first few years of the relationship, after a while the passion fizzles out. Now researchers have provided an explanation. Apparently, a women's libido starts to wane as soon as she feels sure she has got her man.

Scientists believe the different sex drives of men and women result from the way humans evolved. They say a man needs to maintain a high sex drive. But a woman's chief concern is establishing a 'pair bond' to create a secure future for herself and her offspring. Scientists have found that after four years in a relationship, fewer than half of women say they want to make love regularly.

In contrast, men's sexual desire remains just as strong regardless of how long they have been with their partner. The study also showed that women's desire for tenderness remained constant over the years. Around 90 per cent said they wanted tenderness from their partners, regardless of their age and length of relationship. By contrast only a quarter of 30-year-old men who had been in a relationship for ten years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.

The study, by researchers at Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany, is reported in the journal Human Nature. Dr Dietrich Klusmann studied more than 500 people aged 30 or 45 to find out how their libido had changed over the course of their relationship.

Women are motivated by the need to 'pair bond'. Once this is safely established, a woman may be less interested in making love often as it could increase 'the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Dr Klusmann found that, as predicted, within a year of a relationship starting female sex drive suffered a sharp decline.

Nearly two-thirds of those aged 30 said they wanted sex often at the start of the relationship, but after four years this had dropped to half.

Among women aged 45, seven in ten of those who had been in a relationship for one year wanted to make love frequently. But after 25 years this had plummeted to one in five. Among men, as time went by their sex drive fell only slightly. Even after 16 years together more than seven in ten still wanted to make love often.

The study also showed that living apart did, to some extent, keep women's sex drive higher, confirming the idea that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.

EXPERT SPEAK

One of the most common problems among married couples is sexual incompatibility. In most cases, the trend leans towards the declining sexual appetite of the woman after a few years of being in the relationship/marriage. The man, on the other hand, is left asking for more from the relationship. Psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany explains the issue and suggests some tips to deal with the problem. "I counselled a couple a few months back, where the 28-year-old girl, after three years of marriage had suddenly become sexually inactive. There were no compatibility issues between the the husband and the wife. And the husband, after putting up with her excuses for months, finally told her that they either undergo counselling or get divorced.

After speaking to them I realised that the their problem was her emotional security. She claimed that holding hands with her husband, taking a walk on the beach with him or holding and hugging him was better than having sex." This is not an isolated case. The fact is that women are more emotionally driven.

For women, issues like emotional security and stability matter more than sex and physical intimacy. Men, on the other hand, have a higher sexual appetite, which does not dip, even after years of being in a relationship. This is why one can see a set pattern to marital problems after four to five years of marriage.

Many women lose their sex drive after child birth. This happens because the child becomes the source of emotional satisfaction and the women stop paying attention to their partners. This can harm the relationship tremendously, since the stress of childbirth affects both the partners and lack of sexual activity can worsen the situation.

Whatever be the case, couples faced with such problems need to be counselled. The woman needs to be made aware of the importance of sex in a relationship. They need to be made aware that unless they share a good sex life, they might lose their man. The man, on his part, also needs to understand the importance of emotional security and bonding for a woman.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

• If compatibility is not an issue, and you still haven't shared a sexual relationship for months, seek professional help
• Spend time together - this helps emotionally as well as sexually
• Talk to each other. Spend time understanding each other's needs
• Do things which you both enjoy - share hobbies and have fun
• Take a break - take a vacation together to break the monotony
• If you have a problem with your partner, let them be the first one to know
• Do not allow yourself to succumb to stress
• Have sex regularly

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