Got In-law Problems?

Here's how you can learn to get along with your mother-in-law and let her share your responsibilities...

When two people are married, both their lives go through tremendous change and they have to learn to live together and build their relationship as husband and wife. To make the change even more difficult, sometimes you not only have to get along with your respective, but also learn to live with his or her family - in particular their mother. The relationship between any person and his or her mother-in-law is always slightly strained but that does not mean it is impossible to get along with your mum-in-law. Read on for helpful tips that will make it easy for you to deal with the dreaded mother-in-law.

Don't get personal

Just because your mum-in-law asks for a clean towel or asks for the food to be made in a particular way, does not mean she is criticising your way of doing things. Remember, she has had her own family and is probably just conditioned to doing things a certain way. So, if she does make a comment or a remark, don't take it personally and go on the defensive. Just explain to her that what she is saying will be considered and if it is a good idea, swallow your pride and listen.

Not your maid

Just because you have an older person around, don't start dumping chores on her. Also remember not to let her make you work unnecessarily. To make things work amicably, decide beforehand what chores each of you can handle and then stick to your list. This way you will both have a clear idea of what each needs to do.

Establish yourself

Don't order her around or make claims that you are the queen of the castle. You can let her know that it is your household and that things will be done your way. But, this can be done without sounding too authoritative. Let her know that you are open to ideas and suggestions and even though you may not be perfect you can run your home the way you want.

Get space

When you are living with someone, there is bound to be a time when you both might get sick of each other. Therefore, maintain space. Get your mother-in-law involved in social activities like book clubs or evening outings and encourage her to make friends. This way, she will have a life of her own and you won't have to be responsible for her social life all the time.

Not a competition

If you have to address any problem you might be having with her, say things like "I have an issue with this..." instead of "I can't stand you..." If you make a habit of discussing each problem in an open and honest way, it will create an attitude of solution oriented communication instead of a competition where it's you vs. her.

Don't forget yourself

Just because you have the responsibility of looking after the house, it doesn't mean you should forget that you are a human being and that sometimes you need to do things for yourself also. Do not neglect your friends or your social set up just because you never get time. In fact, make time and keep a few evenings reserved for "me time". It is important that you do some kind of fun activity and take a break from household chores.

Let her be

Even though she might be old, allow your mother-in-law to take responsibility for herself, you are there for her but at the same time let her also feel independent and self sufficient. If you treat her like a baby and do everything for her, she will behave like one. The better thing would be to let her help herself, she will respect you for it and therefore, co-operate with you on other issues.

Give time

No one can adjust to a changing lifestyle with the snap of a finger. It takes time for someone to accustom herself to new living conditions. Therefore, if your mother-in-law is just moving in with you and your husband, don't expect her to understand your way of life immediately. Instead, give her time to make herself comfortable and then you could discuss how things work in the household. This will make her transition as seamless as possible and help her come to terms with the new priorities in her son's life.

SOUND ADVICE

How to have a great family life and a great rapport with your mother-inlaw? Here are a few tips that will help you maintain a healthy relationship with the 'other woman' in your man's life - his mom...

· Both the daughter-in-law and the mum-in-law should be non-interfering in each others' lives. Both parties should only give advice when asked for and not give unwarranted advice.

· It is important to show the other person that you love and respect her, so, small gestures to reflect the same can be made.

· Give the relationship time to grow and nurture it. Get to know your mother-in-law, find out what she likes and share the activity with her. Family time is important.

· Ensure that she shares a separate relationship with her son and her grandchildren. She too shares an equation with them, so learn to respect the fact.

· If you have any issue or problem, you can communicate your feelings positively and always remember to respect her. She is, after all, an older person. So even if you do address any problem do it subtly and with respect.

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