The Good Wife

A good mother can never be a perfect partner. Here we find out why...

Have you ever thought, what does it mean to be a good wife these days. Is it someone who stays at home to raise the children, or who shares the financial burden by going out to work?

According to Times, London some experts believe that as modern life becomes more demanding, what defines a good partner has not only become obscured but has been pushed down the pecking order. So much emphasis is now placed on being a Good Parent, and being a Good Spouse comes a poor third after a) the children and b) the job. Marital conversation is reduced to "Have you got the juice?" "Yes, have you got the wipes?"

It began as the old story: boy meets girl. They hold hands. Soon, boy-girl get married, they have a baby. And the good wife, becomes a perfect parent.

Forget romance, all tenderness is reserved only for the child. Remember, the advice given by her mother to Jerry Hall that to keep a man, a woman must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom seems ever more quaint now that housework is increasingly outsourced, food is fast and marriages become increasingly sexless (witness the emergence of books for the sexless marriage with titles such as Okay, So I Don't Have a Headache, I'm Not in the Mood and For Women Only, which lists techniques that wives use to avoid sex). Has the race to raise the brightest child, get him/her into the best school, put the good wife into the deep freezer!

As soon as a child is born, husband and wife stop having a relationship. They become Parents. It's the tendency to see children as extensions of oneself that make couples live their lives through their kids. The environment today is so fiercely competitive that being a mom or dad is not an easy job. You want your child to be the best in every possible area. It gives mothers great personal gratification.

Laura Schlessinger's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, suggests that in the age of feminism we have paid too much attention to women's needs and forgotten that men have them, too.

But one-thing's for sure. If there is a crack in the marriage, it's bound to show. Obsession for raising the perfect child is just another factor that adds fuel to the fire. If you are not a good spouse, you'll have to struggle to be a good parent because the child needs attention.

Recent surveys available over the Net list lack of sex and stress of parenting among the top reasons cited for arguing within a marriage. Being a parent is easier than being a spouse because being the latter calls for continuous engagement with the spouse's subjectivity. Couples need to discover each other. They need to swtich roles. There's no point being a perfect parent if you're not a good spouse.

So, what makes a good spouse? Letting natural roles emerge and not fighting them. It translates into the fact that one has to appreciate the subjectivity of the other. A lack of empathy in modern couples stops them from realising that when kids will fly out of their roost, it's the spouse they'd have to return to for love and comfort. The question is would they like to go back to a perfect stranger in the twilight of their lives?

Why do women wear heels?

Or thongs, or corsets? The humble 'man' kind will never know. But here's a survival guide to cope with the peculiarities of the fairer sex

Mystery' is the word to describe women. To say they lead a complicated existence would be the understatement of the century. WE seek to unravel some of the everyday peculiarities of the female of the species - from mood swings to thongs.

"Pain is an integral part of human existence but more so with looking beautiful. How else would one explain their penchant for high heels, stilettos, thongs, tight skirts, and piercing?" says Steve Mueller, a team leader at a consulting firm.

Jim Green, a call cenre employee, has an interesting tale to narrate about his girlfriend's penchant for high heels. "She loves her four inch pencil heels, that I must say, look very sexy on her. One weekend, she twisted her ankle while dancing at a party and was advised to avoid heels for ten days by the doctor. To my surprise, I found her back in her heels on Monday," says Jim.

Another important tip with women? Keep your style fundas to yourself. You might think you are scoring points by being nice to her, but she might find you a village oaf. "I know of a girl who dumped her boyfriend for being too candid about his thoughts on strapless lingerie," says David Kent, an insurance agent.

Are Women More Into Toyboys?

The days of seeing a woman on the arm of a man old enough to be her father might soon be over, for an increasing number of the fairer sex are ditching sugar daddies for toy boys. And, this information comes from Office of National Statistics (ONS), in the UK, which has the figures to back this phenomenon. The ONS found that 26 per cent of marriages now has wives who are older than their husbands - a number almost double than the early 1960s.

The organisation has also found that there has also been a drop in the number of men who take women younger to them by five years or more as their spouses. This number has dropped to around 50 per cent from nearly two-thirds over the same period. According to Professor Patrick O'Donnell, a specialist in the psychology of interpersonal attraction at Glasgow University, this reversal of older women marrying younger men is due to the challenging of traditional ideas that state men are only attracted to younger women. "There is a lot of debate about this issue. As women gain in economic quality, they no longer marry for economic protection in the way they might have in the past - leading them to marry older men. So instead they marry purely on the grounds of attraction. The idea that women would go for older men purely because they find them attractive is a fallacy," he said.

Relationship counsellor Denise Knowles feels that older women are seeing younger men as someone who they can have fun with, and for men, it is a case of finding the older woman more confident and in-charge. "For many women, the career has been the big thing, but they are now looking for somebody to have fun with, and also who doesn't necessarily want to have children. They want somebody who is young enough not to feel threatened by their career," she said. "For the younger man it's not simply the case of pursuing a 'mother figure'. An older woman can come across as being a lot more confident about herself and this can be very attractive to a younger man. It can mean that they enter into an equal relationship," she added.

Philip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, added: "This has a lot to do with women's increased position as a sex. They are doing better than men, with more powerful jobs, better education. They are therefore able to be more demanding, and essentially doing what men used to do: go for the younger, more beautiful models. It's a slight twist on the sexism issue."

Things You Didn't Know About Aphrodisiacs

1) Respecting your partner and understanding their needs can be the best turn on, say sexologists

2) Viagra is not an aphrodisiac, per se. One needs sexual stimulation for the famed drug to work

3) Intrinsa, a patch containing testosterone, has been approved for women with low libido in the UK

4) Many foods (bananas, asparagus) are considered aphrodisiacs because they resemble the penis or testicles

5) Henna paste has a peculiar scent and the odour has been described by some as an aphrodisiac

6) Erectile dysfunction is highly correlated with poor physical health and inactivity. Being fit boosts self-confidence too.

7) Alcohol, a false aphrodisiac, merely lowers inhibitions and raises the level of one's irrationality.

8) Sometimes sexual dysfunction is a result of psychological disorder. Sex therapists can serve as aphrodisiac.

9) Some 'wild' aphrodisiacs include; tiger bones (illegal); rhino horn (outlawed); jackal bile (weird); snake blood (creepy)

10) The word aphrodisiac is named after Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of sexual love and beauty.

An 'EX' or a Friend?

Can you be friends after a break up? Do you know where to draw the line?

To be involved with a man or woman and have no strings attached might seem 'to some' like the ideal relationship. Suppose you have met someone and the love between the two of you is great but nothing besides that is in place.

You do like this person but besides the sex and their company you are not very interested in a relationship. So, is it possible to go back to being just friends and remove the sexuality completely? For some, you may even wonder if it is worth remaining friends? The answer is yes; if you do get along with a person and enjoy their company, it is possible to go back to being 'just friends'.

The first thing to do is ask yourself why you want to remain in this person's acquaintance. Yes love can change a lot of things between two people, but it should not be the reason to lose out on knowing what could be a great guy or girl. If the two of you are mature enough to leave aside the love angle and remain platonic, then do so. It is hard to come by good friends and if you have found one, keep him or her.

If you decide to remain friends, you need to figure out if the other person wants the same thing. It might be a little hard for you to be just friends with someone who wants more from you than just a casual conversation or a heart to heart. So, first, sit down and talk about whether or not he or she is interested in knowing you simply as a buddy.

Once you decide to remain friends, the best way to go about ensuring your intentions would be to avoid spending too much time alone with him or her, at least for the first few times. When the two of you meet, do so in the company of common friends or at public places. Try to avoid the night outs. Instead, meet up with him or her during the day and spend the entire day together if you want. This does not mean you don't go out together at night at all. Just, initially, meet during the day and once you have an idea of where to draw the line, you can always party together again.

Despite your best efforts, you may still find yourself in a situation where you're tempted to 'relapse'. If you ever feel like you might give in to temptation, part ways to avoid the inevitable consequences.

Be aware that you may be on different time lines. Just because the time may feel right for you to start being friends again, doesn't mean that the time is right for him or her. Pick up on the hints if he or she seems like they need some space, and be willing to give it to him or her.

So be mature and know when to draw the line, so as to avoid losing someone who could be a good friend to you.

Sometimes all you want to do is get things back to the way they once were. It is no easy task, but it can be done. Check out these tips and learn how to go back to being just friends.

Love is... living apart

Having your own space in a relationship -- seems to be essential. Today more and more couples are demanding his and hers toilets, dual kitchens and dressing rooms, writes Matt Woolsey in Forbes. And not only that. A study conducted by the National Association of Home Builders found that 60% of upscale homes (homes with more than 4,000 sq ft) will feature two master bedrooms by 2015.

At first sign the step looks to be a retrograde one. But experts feel that separate bedrooms will serve a couple much better in the long run. The National Sleep Foundation insist that the 75% of Americans who are light sleepers or snore will benefit with a separate bedroom.

It's not just sleep. A separate bedroom could actually work wonders for your sex life. Therapists insist the couple could return to the mystery and romance of their honeymoon days with separate bedrooms.

Also, it's a recognition that marriage today doesn't mean you have to compromise on your needs. Earlier a partner who slept in another room was seen as a sign of marital blues. Today that social stigma is vanishing.

It's not just the bed. Two thirds of builders surveyed in the NAHB study said there was an increased demand for a second kitchen. It doesn't stop at the kitchen. Separate bathrooms, dressing rooms, telephone lines and offices are also increasing in demand.

The trend seems to have begun, as most trends do, with the stars. Comedian Steve Martin and Victoria Tennant bought two apartments in San Remo in New York Upper West Side, when they got married in 1986. But the separate spaces couldn't help the marriage as the couple divorced in 1994. And sometimes separate spaces can bring you closer than you think: to the wrong person. Nelson Rockefeller had divorced first wife Mary Todhunter Rockefeller to marry his second wife Happy.

But he was determined to have his favourite floor of their Fifth Avenue apartment, with him. Rockefeller purchased the apartment next door, tore down a wall and secured his floor. He however lived next door to his ex-wife for 40 years.

Rockfeller's story highlights the problem with separate spaces. Experts say that by becoming too attached to them, the space can actually allow you to distance yourself from the marriage. Especially, at a time when you need to connect. This can even complicate things once the marriage is over: in divorce settlements.

However, today such problems could be a thing of the past. Experts say the increased openness of couples towards personal space suggests it is being used today for the betterment of the marriage. Personal space today indicates that most couples are happy and secure in their relationship. They go about their daily business trusting their partner. And that can only be a good thing. Right?

When Kids Are Around

Most couples feel that their sex life changes after they have children. Whether you have a new-born baby, a toddler, teenager or all three, you have to plan-out privacy. It's difficult to find the time and energy for lovemaking and biology sometimes isn't much help. For the first few months, a woman's hormones are pre-programmed for feeding and nurturing your newborn.

So, 80 per cent of new mothers report lowered desire. Both of you may not feel like being together in bed, but that does not mean that you can't be affectionate to each other. There are many ways through which you can show affection to your partner. Talking about this will help you to support each other and and help you to maintain intimacy.

By the time, the baby becomes a toddler, your energy will hopefully be fully restored. However it can be even harder to find the space and time. You need to develop a balance between your kid's time and time for each other. Make the kids go to bed early, so that you get some time alone. You can spend the evening doing chores or watching television. Making certain rules for privacy will set a good model, as there's nothing wrong if kids realise that their parents need time for themselves.

Boost Your SEX Life The Natural Way

There are many well-known ways to boost a sagging libido. But what about some holistic alternatives? Dr Hyla Cass, co-author of Natural Highs says, "To combat a low sex drive, eat right and get enough fatty acids in your diet. Have fish oil particularly or flax oil because that's a precursor to the sex hormones.

As for fragrance and aromatherapies, each individual has his or her own individual chemistry and things that they will prefer." But the following standards, Cass says, traditionally affect the emotional system, going 'right into our emotional body and into our sensuality... and turn us on.'

Stimulating Scents

- Ylang Ylang
- Patchouli
- Jasmine
- Musk
- Coriander
- Rose
- Sandalwood
- Vanila
- Cinnamon

As far as food goes, chocolate particularly for women, is a sensuality enhancer. Think of feeding each other berries, a ripe peach or apricot. There's something very sensual about that. It's part of the foreplay.

SEX Sacred Secrets

Places you've had sex: According to a recent survey done across many countries, the most common place for adults to have sex outside their bedroom is in the car (50%), followed by toilets (39%), parent's bedroom (36%) and the park (31%)

- 15% of people have had sex at work, with one in ten saying that they've had sex at school - and 2% have joined the mile high club.

- Just over a third (34%) of 16-20 years olds favour the car compared to 69% of 45-55 years olds.

- More than eight in ten Italians (82%) have had sex in the car, while the Australians top the league for having sex in the park (54%).

- The Americans and Canadians lead the way favouring sex in front of a camera (both 21%) while 22% of Turks have indulged in extra curricular activity at school.

Did You Know? It was during the Victorian era that the formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt. The people of that era then found a nude Cupid vulgar.

Chocolate more of a turn-on than kiss

All Regions Of The Brain Receive A Boost More Intense Than The Sensation Produced By Kissing

A passionate kiss is sure to make the heart melt. But it is no comparison to the sensation of chocolate melting on the tongue, a study has discovered.

Young volunteers' hearts and heads were hooked up to electrodes and asked to taste pieces of dark chocolate before kissing their partners. The deflating discovery was that chocolate provides a buzz lasting up to four times as long as embracing the special person in our lives.

The findings would be supported by former 'Baywatch' babe Pamela Anderson, who recently said chocolate was better than sex.

But neurophysiologist David Lewis, who led the study, said he had been taken aback. "These results really surprised and intrigued us," he said.

"While we fully expected chocolate - especially dark chocolate - to increase heart rates due to the fact it contains some highly stimulating substances, both the length of the increase together with the powerful effects it had on the mind were something none of us had anticipated."

The volunteers, all in their 20s, took part in the experiment in an area designed to look like a place of work to create the impression of an office romance. Each had electrodes attached to their scalps and wore heart monitors as they popped a piece of dark chocolate and, without chewing, indicated when it started to melt.

The young lovers then had to kiss each other in the same way they would normally - while researchers in white coats and carrying clipboards "studied their monitors". As part of the controlled experiment, measurements of heart and brain activity were also taken when there was no external stimulation of the senses.

The study revealed that, at the point chocolate melts in the mouth, all regions of the brain receive a boost far more intense and longer lasting than the excitement produced by kissing.

The chunks of chocolate also made the heart beat faster. For some of the 12 volunteers, the number of beats per minute more than doubled from a resting rate of 60 to as much as 140.

Kissing also set hearts racing but the effect was shorter-lasting. Although women are considered to be bigger chocoholics than men - and bigger romantics - both sexes showed the same responses in the tests. Only one volunteer bucked the trend - a 21-year-old man who had recently met his 24-year-old girlfriend.

Former Sussex University academic Lewis said: "The results were given to the volunteers. I don't know if this couple are still together."

He added: "There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz - a buzz that, in many cases, lasted four times as long as the most passionate kiss."

But Deanne Jade, an expert in the psychology of how people relate to food, warned kissing someone in a 'non-erotic or non-personal environment' wouldn't have the same effect as embracing in a private moment.

Reveal your colourful past to him. Here's why...

Deciding what amounts to promiscuous behaviour in today's world is a tricky question. Men may love an experienced woman. But deep down, they can intimidate men - it's likely they've had more sexual partners than them, and they could be critical of their performance in the bedroom. And it's this male insecurity that can become a stumbling point in a relationship.

The old adage that 'men love 'em, but don't want to be with them' is close to many of our hearts. It's for this reason that women tend to be slightly selective about revealing the true details of their sexual history. But, in a long term relationship, it's never worth lying to your man about how many sexual partners you've had.

Honesty is the bedrock of any partnership and there's always the chance that the truth could slip out when you least expect it. However, there's no need to go into the finer details of your sexual CV with your man - no matter how long and illustrious it is.

Talking about your ex-lovers with your current partner can be a difficult task. Here's how to handle those uncomfortable questions...

Plan A Love Feast

A quickie can be good, but it isn't likely to be memorable. If you want to have a memorable experience of love play, plan a love feast, it's whatever you want it to be.

APPETISERS

Laughter: (Go to or rent a funny movie, go to a comedy show or find other ways to laugh together)

Indulgence: (Pamper yourselves with a shower together)

Palate pleasure: (Have a leisurely meal that features your favourite foods)

MAIN COURSE

Sensual stimulation: (Light candles, turn on some romantic music; give each other a massage; engage in a lot of touching)

Sexual adventure: (Try a new position or a new way to stimulate or please each other)

DESSERT

Pillow talk: (Whisper sweet nothings)

Caressing: (Afterplay is as important as foreplay)

Clearly, the point of a love feast is to immerse yourselves in each other for a period of time. To make it truly a feast, you must not allow yourselves to be distracted by anything. Give yourselves whally to each other and to shared pleasure. In short, relax and have fun as though you were on your honeymoon.

Save Your Marriage From A Wet Towel

Yes, even minor irritants can mar your marital happiness as they pall on both the partners - more so on wives. How and why?

Researchers have said that leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor may seem a minor issue, but it could wreck a relationship.

Researchers have identified a list of the most annoying habits that can cause rifts between spouses. This new study of minor irritations in domestic life has found that people can almost become "allergic" to a partner's foibles. Failure to control that shrill laugh might end in a marriage-destroying fury.

Among the most annoying habits are failing to hang up towels, leaving a new loo roll on top of the empty one and using a fork as a back-scratcher.

Cringe-inducing endearments such as "babykins" can also cause an adverse reaction. When repeated, a couple, can reach a snapping point. Many irritating habits have been found in the study, and they are the familiar fibre of male-female interactions. They include nose-picking, burping and tatty clothes, in men, and lateness, verbosity and demands for reassurance about clothing, in women.

The study was conducted in the department of communications at Louisville University, Kentucky, which charted the grim "deromanticisation" of more than 160 people's relationships.

The resultant report "Social Allergies in Romantic Relationship" seeks to establish the nature of the link between nasty habits and nasty divorces. The research team, comprising two men and two women, found that women were also more likely to complain about uncouth behaviours and "norm violations", such as drunkenness or flatulence.

"The basic notion that things become more irksome over time is something that has never been looked at before. Relatively minor unpleasant behaviours appear to affect a partner's emotions, in a way that resembles how the physical allergens funcions," said research team leader, Dr Michael Cunningham, a professor at the university.

The first experience is likely to produce a small negative reaction, but repeated contact increases sensitivity. The findings have appeared in the journal, Personal Relationships.

What Makes A Happy Marriage?

Not so 'fast', buddy!

So, you want to indulge in some no-strings-attached fun? Here's what to keep in mind...

WHAT TO DO

- Do set out terms early on. If you're hooking up with an ex or friend, make sure nobody wants to get back together or get serious. Emotional attachment and casual sex don't mix.

- Do enjoy yourself. Total carnal pleasure is the whole point of a commitment-free fling. So ditch your body hang-ups.

- Do go back to your place after you're done. Don't linger over at his place. That way, you'll be safe in your own home. However, if you insist on staying at his place, SMS a friend to tell him/her of your whereabouts.

- Do be upfront about spending the night. Best to tell him you have an early conference rather than do a midnight bolt straight after getting horizontal. Even if he was that bad, it's still discourteous.

- Do insist on protection, if it comes to that. Remember, nothing, absolutely nothing can go ahead unless and until one of you uses protection.

WHAT TO AVOID

- Don't get hung up on the 'I'll call you' chat in the morning. Sure, these three words instill more stomach lurching fear than anything else, but they're synonymous with one-night stands and part of the practice.

- Don't use the 'I don't do this often' line. He either thinks you do or you don't. Whichever, he doesn't have time for a discussion on moral values. He's there for fun as you are.

- Don't bring your baggage to the bedroom. We're talking emotional baggage. If you need to open your heart, call a friend the next day. Get emotional and your one-night stand will tell his friends you are a bunny boiler.

- Don't expect sweet afterthoughts. One night standers rarely offer hugs and don't be surprised if he rolls over after or heads out soon after it's over. It hurts. But you're older. Learn from it.

Where Should You Draw The Line?

Gossip sessions are a healthy way to let off steam. But don't let it turn nasty

There's a fine line between sharing a good, honest gossipy moan and being cruel. Bitching can serve a useful function in cutting down oversized egos or keeping bores in check, but if it's sustained over a period of time or continually directed at one person it turns swiftly into bullying.

It might be a useful way to level the playing field when you're feeling threatened (competition among women is a classic trigger), undermined (if your boss passes you over for promotion - again!) or just plain old bored (nothing like a good old slag-fest to lift the colour of the day), but it's a far from one-size-fits-all activity.

Family members, for example, get away with much crueller and more barbed comments than many others because the strength of the familial bond - the knowledge that you'll ready be there for one another when the chips are down - balances it out. The smae principle works with really close friends, the best of whom you'll be able to volley gently barbed comments.

However, when it comes to slagging off strangers, ganging up one person, or pointedly attacking those you know are weaker than yourself, you're no longer bitching. You're simply being nasty.