Does he really need to know about your exes?

You're in the bed with your new man. After being there, and having done that, you are now thinking that he's 'the one', but just when everything seems to be going butter-smooth, he casually pops that question: 'So, how many men have you slept with?' And there you are... on the slippery road. You don't feel like lying, because you like him. But will he able to stomach the truth, you wonder? And you work yourself up into a 'to tell or not to tell' tizzy...

Why is it hard to confess to a man? It's not just that men want to be special, they also want to know you regard them as the best lover you've ever had - so the longer the list of previous lovers, the more threatened they often feel. Competition is genetically inbuilt into men (think football) so your previous partners automatically start sounding like rivals, leading to feelings of insecurity. THAT is why.

Also, with some men, no matter how hard they beat their chest and declare that they are modern, they are closet judges - of women's character. Like it or not, certain corners of society still see a female who has had more than one lover as slightly suspect - despite the fact that 'one' is often considered pretty unusual by modern day standards. So if faced with a longer list, a man can very easily slip into thinking that his partner is comparing him to her previous lovers, or that her previous lovers haven't meant all that much to her. It's a small leap from there to thinking that he doesn't mean all that much to her - and an even smaller leap from there to anger and blame.

Are women that different? We women may wobble when we hear about our predecessors, we feel the same jealousy, the same wariness because we don't want them to compare. And women, far more than men have nightmare fantasies about their man pining for his ex, or being seduced back by her. But we don't, as a rule, see our men as 'cheap' or 'easy' because they've had more than one or two partners. In fact, we're often more worried if they haven't had any previous lovers, because then they seem, frankly, sad! But men can feel critical - and that means that we have to decide whether to come clean or not.

Now, finally, we come to that crucial question: How to handle 'that' dreaded question...

1) Distinguish between his insecurities over your sexual history and any moral objections he may have to it. You can reassure him about the first - but if your moral values are seriously different, this may be trickier to navigate.

2) Don't postpone the conversation once it starts - distracting him may seem to work but he will clock that you're not eager to answer the question - and that will plant concerns in his mind.

3) Do tell the truth where possible. Fudging the issue may seem a good idea when you don't want to make waves on Day 1, but it doesn't make for a lot of trust when, a few months or years down the line the truth comes out.

4) Don't kid yourself about your own ability to keep a secret. If you decide to lie about the number of partners you've had, only do so if you know that you can stick to your story for life, even under the influence or in the middle of a blazing row.

5) Don't hold back from reassuring - tell him clearly that you are with him because he is your partner of choice and that past partners are firmly in the past.

6) Do walk away if you have to. If he objects to your sexual history, then he may not be the man for you. Trust does build over the course of a relationship, but if he has his doubts right at the start, you may want to find someone who loves you for who you are.

7) Don't ever, ever, ever compare him with past lovers - sexually or emotionally - unless that comparison is in his favour.

8) Do, if it's true, tell him he is The Best Lover you ever had - and keep telling him that forever!

9) Do state your sexual history with pride! It has made you the wonderful woman that your man has fallen for. If you seem guilty, ashamed or embarrassed, your man will pick up these emotions if you feel bad, he'll start to think that there's something for him to feel bad about.

Questions, Questions and More Questions

After you have had a few dates with someone and you think it might be going somewhere, you begin to ask more serious questions about their childhood, family, job etc. 

Eventually the relationship might progress to where the really tough questions must be asked. Like "have you ever slept with someone without using a condom" or "how much debt do you have"? There is no easy way to bring up these questions.

Recently, I received a copy of Michael Webb's newest book, 1000 Questions for Couples: What you absolutely must know about the person you are with. This book is going to make those difficult questions much easier to ask.

The questions start off easy like "Has anyone dear to you died? How did you handle it" and "About what things are you most selfish." They slowly progress (just like your relationship should) until you get to those questions that you simply can't avoid if you are going to commit your life to living with someone. There are questions on drug addictions, abuse, child rearing, finances and lots of questions about sex. And because these questions are coming from a book, you don't feel like "you" are asking them. 

A special bonus that I really liked was the option to get 3-5 of the book's questions emailed to me each day. That way I could forward the questions on to my beloved and we could each read over them and forward the answers to each other that night. I can see where this would be very valuable for those in long distance relationships.

While there are a lot of questions in this book that are crucial for couples in the dating stage, the majority of the questions are useful for people who are already married. If you value your relationship, I urge you to ask these 1000 Questions for Couples

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