Stressed by your friend's affair?

When Michelle confessed to her friend Carol that she was on the verge of having an affair, Carol leaned across the restaurant table wanting to know all the details. Who was he? Had they, you know, done it? There was only one hitch in Carol's mind: That Michelle already had a partner, and did he know what she was up to?

During the weeks that followed, Carol was deluged with every intimate, icky detail. There... without applying for the job, Carol had become Michelle's alibi. And then began Carol's guilt ridden trip...

A friend's affair is a tense, nervy business. When you're involved, unwittingly or otherwise, you are no longer just a friend. You are a round-the-clock counsellor. Next time you see her, she requires a shoulder to cry on and a steady supply of wine. Friends like these can be a major source of anxiety, especially if they're possessive, and demanding. You might try to be the perfect friend and tell yourself, "I've got to help, I must see her," but this only makes you feel guilty... As Carol realised.. .

One evening, at a party, Carol ran into Michelle's partner. He tried to talk to her, but inspite of the fact that she really liked him, she could not meet his eyes, for she remembered that just at that moment, her friend was with her date, cooing over a candlelight dinner. But the point is, who should be feeling guilty here? If your friend's extra-curricular sex life is giving you a headache, here are six reasons to butt out...

1) You don't know the whole story, but only the edited highlights. Armed with snippets and half-truths, you are just not equipped to offer worthwhile advice.

2) Getting involved wrecks your friendship. What starts as confessional sessions over drinks can escalate out of control.

3) Her affair can sour your own relationship too. Your friend's love life can even make you question your own relationship.

4) Being an unofficial therapist gobbles up enormous quantities of time and energy.

5) No one needs 3 am phone calls. Your friend is getting double the sex; all you're getting is sleep deprivation.

6) You are not her only friend. Don't listen to protests of, 'You're the only person I can talk to about this.' Ask her to stop involving you. Never step in as an alibi. If necessary, get firm and tell her that knowing every intimate detail is like being involved in a melange a trois - without the sex. And remind her that this is her affair. Not yours.

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